Two things happened recently that brought disappointment into my focus. First, I was re-watching a video by Abraham-Hicks. In it, Abraham talked to a woman who had just found out her husband was having an affair. Abraham shared with the woman how silly marriage vows are – til death do we part? To Abraham, a more vibrationally expansive set of “vows” would consist of, “I really like you, and you really like me, let’s see where this goes.”
The other thing that happened to me was a friend canceled plans with me. This immediately triggered thoughts about what her true motives for cancelling were, and how dare she put something else in front of me. I felt hot as all these thoughts and presumptions rose in me, until I finally realized how terribly uncomfortable I was.
Let’s be honest – we all get disappointed regularly. Sometimes it’s a small whisper. (Damn, I didn’t win the lottery!) Sometimes it’s a sting. (How dare you cancel plans with me!) And sometimes it cuts you like a knife. (My parents don’t parent me the way I want to be parented, or, my spouse cheated on me.) The source of it all, though, is the realization that the parties involved did not value your desires over their own.
So let’s look at my friend cancelling on me, and my strong internal reaction. (Fortunately, I was able to do this for myself before I created too much drama around it.) When I was able to identify the fact that I was disappointed, and that it was just one night and not the end of the world, I was able to reel myself in. She wasn’t putting me over her own desires. She was tired, she felt burned out, she just wanted to be home and recuperate from her activities of the past few days. And how silly was it that my ego demanded that she ignore her own needs and tend to my desire to have a light shining on me?! I was able to take it a step further and remind myself that by demanding she keep plans with me, I was as guilty as she was. If I were to cause a big fight over it, I was putting my own needs ahead of hers, which is exactly what I was so disappointed about!
A crisis was averted and I did not share my feelings of disappointment with her. I told her we’d reschedule and left it alone. And do you know what happened? She changed her mind. She got a second wind and decided that she did want to keep our plans afterall. Of course, that won’t happen every time, but it makes it pretty sweet when you get out of your own way and wind up getting what you wanted. Additionally, I was much less emotionally attached to the event. It was fun, and we had a good time, but it just wasn’t the big event I thought it would be when I felt so betrayed by it being canceled. Had I made a big deal about how wronged I felt, we might not be speaking. We definitely would not have been able to enjoy the evening the way we did. Funny how these things work out.
Of course, that was an example of a medium-sized disappointment. Not fleeting, but having the potential to cause problems in a relationship. But what about the big ones? The ones that cut you to the core? It’s ok, folks…just breathe. It’s really the same thing. It just might take a little more work for you to talk your ego off the ledge and let it go. But the process is the same. Realize that the other person is simply thinking of themselves first – which is actually the healthiest way to be (even if they’re not demonstrating it in the healthiest of ways) and exactly what you’re doing. Check in with yourself about whether your expectation was realistic or fair for the other person. Did my folks have the tools necessary to be the perfect parents I wish I had? Did my partner have the tools to live up to their vows, like forever? When I was younger, did we enter into contracts that were simply unrealistic? Did I make a commitment that was unrealistic? Has my own growth moved me into a place in my life where these expectations, agreements and commitments are really outdated and obsolete? All of these types of questions can really get you off the ledge enough to look at the situation through a different lens. And sometimes, that’s enough relief to set you on a path to peace with a situation.
How do you deal with disappointment? What tools do you use to keep yourself off that ledge and in a place of harmony?
With much love, light and gratitude,
Jen